When driving around eating doughnuts Cops always go above or below the speed limit. They do this for the sole purpose of pissing you off while proving they are above the law.
Well i'm tired of this shit. So I personally take a stand to either get in their way and go WAY under the speed limit, fly past them go tailgate like I'm driving the Indy 500 (and on most days I am). This concept usually works pretty well as when you fly past them you can weave into traffic and make a turn somewhere in the near future or cut them off and slam on the brakes and act lost. You can tell when your plan is working because they will flash their lights which means "get the fuck outta my way" or they drive past and give some type of hand motion that says "What the hell are you doing." So far this plan has never backfired, once they are out of sight it's back to driving like I just stole it.
Key words were "SO FAR"
Driving around tonight I was getting on the freeway and saw a cop turning in front of my to get onto the on ramp. The car was probably about 1000ft in front of me and he was on the on ramp. Game time. Pedal to the metal and I'm on his ass inside of 2 seconds as he is laa-dee-daa'ing his way up the ramp on onto the freeway. like most shitty Tucson drivers, they fail to realize cars on the freeway go fast, much faster then their current speed. So as semi's are blasting past me and this cop, who is all of 3 feet bumper to bumper in front of me, I merge over the little white lines and jump in behind yet another semi who is flying past.
At this point all my actions are justifiable. I am merging onto a FREEWAY and need to match the speed of the flow of traffic. The car in front of me( the cop) is not accelerating a speed which I feel is a safe highway speed and therefore I feel that I'm going to either get rear ended by a passing car or have to take the next exit and try again.
Once I get in behind the semi and match his speed I pass the cop, who now is obviously annoyed with me. I hop to the next lane over and stomp it again and fly past the semi. Cruising down the highway I see the cop get around the semi and floor it until he is on my ass, much like cops do when they are running your plates. So I brake check him, trying to taunt him as if saying "Do it, pull me over!" Anticipating blue and red lights within the next 10 seconds I get over in the slow lane, cop still riding my ass. We go about another 2 miles at 45 with traffic flying past us and clearly merging to get around us.
At this point I have had it. Speed limit is 65 so I can do 80 safely and my exit is now coming up. So once again I floor it and leave the cop in the dust. right as I start pulling off into the exit lane here comes the cop, probably doing about 100 to "one up" me. I time it right look over and flick him off.
His response. Turn on his red and blue flashy lights, cut me off and fly down the exit, through the red light at the intersection then turn his lights off on the other side and get on the on ramp back onto the freeway.
Cop 1 Me 0
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Friday, October 28, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
First Police Experience of the Summer!
After finishing my nighttime patrol of my apartment complex I determined that I was incredibly hungry and needs to drive somewhere to get food. At a party the night before, some people went to get food and I threw a few dollars their way to bring me something back. They brought back McDonalds, and it was delicious. So tonight I headed to the local Golden Archways myself and had some food.
On the way to the place, I pass by a Frat house which I can see police lights at the far side of the house. Only saw two cars so figured it was another retarded Frat function that is a waste of time. I enjoy another 2 Double Quarter Pounders and my drink and head back to my car. On the way back I decide to go check out the Frat house and see whats going on.
On pass one I determine that there are 3 squad cars and 2 SUV's outside with 1 unmarked and a gaggle of Frat/douche bag guys standing there. Having worked with the Police force in a past job I know that this is ALL of there night shift, standing outside this Frat house, talking to these guys. I determine this deserves at least one more pass to get the full effect and get a good laugh out of other peoples misfortune.
Driving down the road for pass two I see a empty lot right across the street (how lucky can I be) and I pull in. Once in said lot I go into "Ninja Mode" and kill all outside lights so the car is basically invisible. Kill the engine and drift across the empty lot until I am literally three feet away from a squad car that is in the road. Ninja Stalk successful, no one had noticed me and now no one can see my car due to it's perfect placement behind the squad car.
Now that I'm in position I Duke's of Hazzard out the open window and stand there. Listen for all of two seconds before someone notices me and starts yelling in my direction. Obviously he is drunk so I have about another 2 minutes of him belligerently yelling at me before one of the Officers turns around and sees me standing there. I know I'm not suppose to be there and so does she. She gives the look of "This isn't gonna turn out well for you if you stay here" so I pretend not to see it and keep starring at the guy yelling at me.
As he keeps yelling, the Officer determines it is time for me to leave. As she walks over he follows halfway over and still yelling at me about whatever, I play dumb citizen and look completely in the other direction at the hospital acting like I'm minding my own business. At this point Mrs. Lady Cop turns around to tell Frat Fag to shut up and he says to her "no no no no, that dick over there by your car needs to leave, (now yelling at me) THIS IS OFFICIAL PI KAPP BUSINESS!"
Realizing I'm about to end up on the wrong end of something here I quickly throw back my reply
"Oh ya douche-fag, thats why you have 6 Cops out here on your front lawn of you Fag-house!"
This must have enraged the individual who was already yelling at me as he was now running at me Lady cop right behind him. At this point I disregard the door to my car entirely and go in feet first, luckily I land in somewhat of a good driving position. Also saving my ass by leaving the keys in the ignition, I turn it on and still in Ninja Mode (no lights on) peel out and go flying across the parking lot to the exit and then out onto the main road. No one followed that I saw.
Unfortunately I never found out what really happened tonight. Funny to think school hasn't even been out a whole week and these stupid ass frat kids still attracted the ENTIRE UAPD night shift for whatever they were doing.
On the way to the place, I pass by a Frat house which I can see police lights at the far side of the house. Only saw two cars so figured it was another retarded Frat function that is a waste of time. I enjoy another 2 Double Quarter Pounders and my drink and head back to my car. On the way back I decide to go check out the Frat house and see whats going on.
On pass one I determine that there are 3 squad cars and 2 SUV's outside with 1 unmarked and a gaggle of Frat/douche bag guys standing there. Having worked with the Police force in a past job I know that this is ALL of there night shift, standing outside this Frat house, talking to these guys. I determine this deserves at least one more pass to get the full effect and get a good laugh out of other peoples misfortune.
Driving down the road for pass two I see a empty lot right across the street (how lucky can I be) and I pull in. Once in said lot I go into "Ninja Mode" and kill all outside lights so the car is basically invisible. Kill the engine and drift across the empty lot until I am literally three feet away from a squad car that is in the road. Ninja Stalk successful, no one had noticed me and now no one can see my car due to it's perfect placement behind the squad car.
Now that I'm in position I Duke's of Hazzard out the open window and stand there. Listen for all of two seconds before someone notices me and starts yelling in my direction. Obviously he is drunk so I have about another 2 minutes of him belligerently yelling at me before one of the Officers turns around and sees me standing there. I know I'm not suppose to be there and so does she. She gives the look of "This isn't gonna turn out well for you if you stay here" so I pretend not to see it and keep starring at the guy yelling at me.
As he keeps yelling, the Officer determines it is time for me to leave. As she walks over he follows halfway over and still yelling at me about whatever, I play dumb citizen and look completely in the other direction at the hospital acting like I'm minding my own business. At this point Mrs. Lady Cop turns around to tell Frat Fag to shut up and he says to her "no no no no, that dick over there by your car needs to leave, (now yelling at me) THIS IS OFFICIAL PI KAPP BUSINESS!"
Realizing I'm about to end up on the wrong end of something here I quickly throw back my reply
"Oh ya douche-fag, thats why you have 6 Cops out here on your front lawn of you Fag-house!"
This must have enraged the individual who was already yelling at me as he was now running at me Lady cop right behind him. At this point I disregard the door to my car entirely and go in feet first, luckily I land in somewhat of a good driving position. Also saving my ass by leaving the keys in the ignition, I turn it on and still in Ninja Mode (no lights on) peel out and go flying across the parking lot to the exit and then out onto the main road. No one followed that I saw.
Unfortunately I never found out what really happened tonight. Funny to think school hasn't even been out a whole week and these stupid ass frat kids still attracted the ENTIRE UAPD night shift for whatever they were doing.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Pedestrians Verse Paige the Mustang
In two occurrences today I was faced with the option of killing people with my car like pins in a bowling alley. Both around campus, so go figure that college students are retarded. Yet in both cases their were parents directly involved.
Case one:
Sitting at the Red Light on the corner of Mountain and Speedway. I am going east bound on Speedway and the light is red. When the East/West light is red, the North/South light is green. This allows people to walk across the street with the flow of traffic.
This intersection is incredibly dangerous. There are at least two accidents a month. One of those two is fatal. In the most recent a girl was pinned up against one of the buildings on the corner. First responders attempted to back the car off of her but that only pulled her legs farther away from the rest of the body. Ultimately she died in the hospital a day later. Most all accidents at this intersection have similar gruesome stories. Earlier that same day there was a different person hit and was also put in the hospital.
With the high mortality rate at this intersection established we move back to my story.
So sitting at the light you can see the cross traffic light change colors. When it changes to yellow I direct attention back towards where I want to go. As the light turns yellow I see two dumbass kids start running across the intersection. Light is switches to green and no one moves because everyone realizes the problem with this scene. Said children, who are clearly mentally retarded, stop at the island in the middle of the road. (3 lanes East/3 lanes West with a cement island thing in the middle that people can stand on if they don't make it all the way across) I am in the middle lane and take off pacing the Ford Explorer who is in the lane closest to the median. Slowly we make our way across the intersection and right as we get half way through these to kids sprint out into the road. The first kid didn't do so hot at real life frogger. Bouncing off the front end of the Explorer (which was MAYBE going about 10mph) he fell flat on his ass. Second child (girl) split between the Explorer and I is a foot gap and she was lucky enough to split it perfectly. After we all stop and realize that everyone is ok I get back in my car and take off. I personally didn't hit anyone and therefore I personally do not care. Life's tuff kid. You just learned it earlier, way to be smarter then the rest of your class.
Case Number Two (2):
Background information is required as always.
Students around campus think think they are king shit "Lion O, Lord of the ThunderCats, Ruler over Third Earth and all that it contains" "Red Ranger, Leader of the Time Force Power Rangers, saver of common citizens in danger of massive villains"
A Common Mind Set:
I will cross this highway without looking while drinking a coffee and texting with my headphones in.
"Don't worry bro, all these cars going 45 will slam on their brakes and instantly stop, on a dime, to allow your super special magical ass to prance across the road.
This is all the while NEVER IN A DAM CROSSWALK!!!
Driving down the street I see 3 people, 2 old ladies and one kid, caring a bunch of dorm stuff. Walking towards the road from the the parking lot. I have the right of way since there is no cross walk. I surprisingly stop depressing the gas petal to the floor to actually give them the chance to make the first move and walk across the road. All of them decide to stop and stare at me. I proceed to continue to close the distance between me and them. at the 15 foot mark the student of the bunch thinks now is a perfect time to walk across the street. going all of 7mph (it is on campus, and again surprisingly I'm not showing off) this kid and I meet in the middle of the road. He is stepping across the double yellow line as I drive past within 6 inches of him. Sorry your mommy and grand mommy didn't teach you shit as a kid. As the thought crosses my mind that his skinny ass could actually hurt my car I get mildly concerned. He doesn't even stop or jump back. he just keeps walking only now he is yelling in some foreign language that I do not understand. I'm not very cultured but maybe in his country this is a common practice.
Mommy throws a huge fit that I also do not care about as I drive way. I pull around into the dorm to pick up my friend and place the phone call that informs them that their BLACK STALLION DRIVEN CHARIOT HAS ARRIVED (My car)!
While waiting for them to come out I happily reach over and start to devour some delicious McDonalds Dollar Menu items. Halfway through my second wrap thingy this old ass lady carrying a ton of shit walks up to my window and says (In a very Western Europe accent) "You need to learn how to drive!" With a mouth full of food and my mind in McDonalds Food heaven it took a second to process. In this half second process I must not have coughed up whatever response she expected so she kept yelling shit. In my mind I'm think "You have no idea who you are talking to." Most of the time I am convinced I have a serious anger management problem. It took less then a millisecond for me to flip from having an awesome day to channeling all of the worlds hatred into this lady. By the time I have sallowed my food Lady number two shows up.
First words out of my mouth "Maybe you need to learn how to use a crosswalk, becuase thats what they are..." I am RUDELY interrupted by the Mom "We are reporting you to the Police, you hit my son."
Case one:
Sitting at the Red Light on the corner of Mountain and Speedway. I am going east bound on Speedway and the light is red. When the East/West light is red, the North/South light is green. This allows people to walk across the street with the flow of traffic.
This intersection is incredibly dangerous. There are at least two accidents a month. One of those two is fatal. In the most recent a girl was pinned up against one of the buildings on the corner. First responders attempted to back the car off of her but that only pulled her legs farther away from the rest of the body. Ultimately she died in the hospital a day later. Most all accidents at this intersection have similar gruesome stories. Earlier that same day there was a different person hit and was also put in the hospital.
With the high mortality rate at this intersection established we move back to my story.
So sitting at the light you can see the cross traffic light change colors. When it changes to yellow I direct attention back towards where I want to go. As the light turns yellow I see two dumbass kids start running across the intersection. Light is switches to green and no one moves because everyone realizes the problem with this scene. Said children, who are clearly mentally retarded, stop at the island in the middle of the road. (3 lanes East/3 lanes West with a cement island thing in the middle that people can stand on if they don't make it all the way across) I am in the middle lane and take off pacing the Ford Explorer who is in the lane closest to the median. Slowly we make our way across the intersection and right as we get half way through these to kids sprint out into the road. The first kid didn't do so hot at real life frogger. Bouncing off the front end of the Explorer (which was MAYBE going about 10mph) he fell flat on his ass. Second child (girl) split between the Explorer and I is a foot gap and she was lucky enough to split it perfectly. After we all stop and realize that everyone is ok I get back in my car and take off. I personally didn't hit anyone and therefore I personally do not care. Life's tuff kid. You just learned it earlier, way to be smarter then the rest of your class.
Case Number Two (2):
Background information is required as always.
Students around campus think think they are king shit "Lion O, Lord of the ThunderCats, Ruler over Third Earth and all that it contains" "Red Ranger, Leader of the Time Force Power Rangers, saver of common citizens in danger of massive villains"
A Common Mind Set:
I will cross this highway without looking while drinking a coffee and texting with my headphones in.
"Don't worry bro, all these cars going 45 will slam on their brakes and instantly stop, on a dime, to allow your super special magical ass to prance across the road.
This is all the while NEVER IN A DAM CROSSWALK!!!
Driving down the street I see 3 people, 2 old ladies and one kid, caring a bunch of dorm stuff. Walking towards the road from the the parking lot. I have the right of way since there is no cross walk. I surprisingly stop depressing the gas petal to the floor to actually give them the chance to make the first move and walk across the road. All of them decide to stop and stare at me. I proceed to continue to close the distance between me and them. at the 15 foot mark the student of the bunch thinks now is a perfect time to walk across the street. going all of 7mph (it is on campus, and again surprisingly I'm not showing off) this kid and I meet in the middle of the road. He is stepping across the double yellow line as I drive past within 6 inches of him. Sorry your mommy and grand mommy didn't teach you shit as a kid. As the thought crosses my mind that his skinny ass could actually hurt my car I get mildly concerned. He doesn't even stop or jump back. he just keeps walking only now he is yelling in some foreign language that I do not understand. I'm not very cultured but maybe in his country this is a common practice.
Mommy throws a huge fit that I also do not care about as I drive way. I pull around into the dorm to pick up my friend and place the phone call that informs them that their BLACK STALLION DRIVEN CHARIOT HAS ARRIVED (My car)!
While waiting for them to come out I happily reach over and start to devour some delicious McDonalds Dollar Menu items. Halfway through my second wrap thingy this old ass lady carrying a ton of shit walks up to my window and says (In a very Western Europe accent) "You need to learn how to drive!" With a mouth full of food and my mind in McDonalds Food heaven it took a second to process. In this half second process I must not have coughed up whatever response she expected so she kept yelling shit. In my mind I'm think "You have no idea who you are talking to." Most of the time I am convinced I have a serious anger management problem. It took less then a millisecond for me to flip from having an awesome day to channeling all of the worlds hatred into this lady. By the time I have sallowed my food Lady number two shows up.
First words out of my mouth "Maybe you need to learn how to use a crosswalk, becuase thats what they are..." I am RUDELY interrupted by the Mom "We are reporting you to the Police, you hit my son."
That was news to me. Since I was the driver of the vehicle I know I didn't hit your idiot kid. From here my attitude towards these people plummets.
My turn to start the interrupting.
"Maybe if your son looked at me and decided that he WAS NOT bigger then my 2000 pound car, he wouldn't have walked into the middle of a street"
Now that I have put the Honor and Integrity of their family name on the line, It was on like Donkey Kong.
Mom starts out by saying "We are reporting you to the authorities." Charging head first into a battle which I have no fear of loosing: "oh yea well take down my licence plate and call the F$%*'in Cops. I'll even give you my dam phone so you can call them. Then I will take my phone back and call them back and inform them that under Arizona Regulatory Statute 12-1809 I consider your contact with me harassment. That means both of you can get carried off to jail RIGHT NOW. (this next part I was screaming at the top of my lungs) and while I'm on the phone with them I will inform them I am issuing a citizens arrest for J-Walking."
This seemed to move some brain cells in Grand Mom. "We are going to right down your information." Lunatic lady started to move to the back of my car out of sight from the drivers seat waving the pen and the bag of chips in her hand. I would assume that the bag of chips would be were the information about my car would be written.
Realizing that we could have a serious Forrce Protection issue on my hands, Two threats surrounding me, I throw the door open. By the Grace of God I missed the mom. This was the second were both of these ladies realized that I am a crazy mutha&*^! and I am no longer playing nice.
The second I hopped out both of them took off running towards their son who was sitting on top of the case of water he had been carrying. That was just comical. He clearly didn't give a shit if I hit him or not.
Grand Mom brought the heat with the next sentence. "You F*^#ing Americans are worthless and do not know how to do anything respectfully"
I summoned the heat of one thousands suns into my body and projected my voice as best as possible. "How about you just go home, oh and here is my license plate (pointing at it). I'm not sure were you put it on your cars in your country but in AMERICA we keep it right here." As I danced around the back of my car like the freaking lunatic I was.
By now I had quite created quite the scene. Both my friends were crying laughing so hard. I reach back into my car and snatch the rest of my wrap thing and take a huge bite and continue to yell obscenities at the retreating group with a mouth full of food.
After they had went around the corner out of sight, with still a group of people staring at me, I whip my phone out and on speaker, call the non emergency police number and tell the person on the other end that I would like to report a citizen who is J-walking across a busy intersection and I am concerned for the drivers on the road. The kicker: Operator says "Well if they aren't in a crosswalk, just call us back when they get killed by a car, they have no right of way. Hear from you soon. Have a good day!"
Of the few people left watching this adventure unfold, most of them start laughing at what the 911 operator said and walk away. I promptly sit down and finish my wrap.
Paige the Mustang 2. Pedestrians 0.
Good day. And it was all before 2pm. Def could only get better from that point!
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